


Notes

by pixelwolfcat



Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Dream Team SMP Setting (Video Blogging RPF), Depression, Dream Team SMP Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape/Non-con Elements, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29791695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixelwolfcat/pseuds/pixelwolfcat
Summary: Tubbo finds a journal that Tommy kept.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 81
Collections: Completed stories I've read





	Notes

**Author's Note:**

> so the story takes place after today's events. it follows the main story except for a few elements i added. this is a trigger warning for sexual assault, abuse, and suicidal thoughts. please be safe out there! this is fiction! i write these types of stories a lot because it helps with my own family issues i guess. please do not send any of the creators any type of hate regarding this!!!

He knew he shouldn’t read it. He knew that from the moment he looked at it. But Tommy is his best friend… or  _ was  _ his best friend. Whatever. It hadn’t registered in his mind yet anyway. The book was worn out. It looked like it had gone through hell. I guess in a way, it was just like it’s owner.  _ Previous owner.  _ The thought plagued Tubbo’s mind. The tiny book had things sticking out of it, what looked like bookmarks, or pictures. Hesitantly, Tubbo opened it. 

_ What is up book? It is big man Innit. Wilbur gave me this stupid shit. Told me to “write my feelings” Books are for big pussies is what I responded with. Yeah. Stupid fucking Wilbur, always thinking he knows shit. Fucking loser. I’m just writing in this so he gets off my fucking back.  _

As Tubbo read through the first entry, he noticed how much the boy cursed. He’d never really thought about it. 

_ Anyways, today me and big man Wilbur, except he’s not a big man. I am a big man and he is a fucking child. We built up L’manberg. Look at us go! Two fucking brothers! Being cool ass fucking people. Me and Tubbo also spent some time chilling. Tubbo’s my best mate. Ew mate, who the fuck says that. _

Tubbo chuckled at the mention of his name. 

_ Anyways, I’m probably never gonna write in this stupid shit again. So I hope you enjoyed this one fucking thing.  _

The first page ended there. So, naturally, Tubbo flipped to the next. 

_ So book. Been a minute. L’manberg’s gotten fucking stronger! Fucking Eret joined and shit, it’s pog man I tell ya. Also apparently Wilbur’s shagged a fish, that’s… new. But hey, Wil was always a little different. I haven’t spoken to the Blade in a while. I wonder how he’s doing.  _

“Technoblade” Tubbo thought. 

_ I haven’t spoken to Phil either. He spoke to Wilbur though so he must be doing good. Fucking Dream’s bitch ass wants to wage a war with fucking Gogy and stupid fucking Sapnap. Why the fuck is your name Sapnap, it sounds like fucking Snapchat! Stupid fucking prick. I hate that guy. Always doing stupid shit. Yeah but Dream’s gone and been a little bitch boy. But it’s whatever. We’ll beat that little shit to a fucking I don’t know grain of salt or some shit. We got uniforms, it’s so fucking cool man. I feel so important. Because I am important. I am a big fucking man. Speaking of men, Wilbur made me his right one. It’s like Hamilton! I’m fucking Hamilton! Cool ass shit. ‘I’m not throwing away my shot’ bitch boyyyy! War is tomorrow boys. See you then.  _

The first war wasn’t as traumatizing for Tubbo as it had been for Wilbur or Tommy. Tommy tried to hide it, but sometimes it would slip through. It made Wilbur… change. Everyone said Wilbur changed when he lost the election, but Tubbo felt he had already changed. Losing the election just made him batshit. He flipped the page. This one had an image of him, Tommy, Wilbur, Niki, Fundy, and Jack Manifold. 

_ We fucking won! Well kinda. I had to give Dream my discs. But I’m gonna fucking get them back because fuck that guy! And fuck Eret! Stupid ass bitch. He literally betrayed us! He got us all killed! And for what? To be Dream’s fucking king? What a piece of shit. I also lost a duel to Dream. Which fucking sucked. I fucking let them all down. But it’s fine because we still have independence. It also seems like Wil got a girlfriend. She’s nice but I feel like she doesn’t like me. Whatever. I’m gonna get my discs back. That’s a promise.  _

Tommy always did say “Whatever” a lot. There’s a few blank pages and Tubbo starts to think he didn’t write anymore until he finally saw some black ink. 

_ We got kicked out today. Schlatt. Fucking bastard.  _

It was only a line. Tubbo wondered why Tommy would even write that.

_ I saw Techno again today. I missed him. He’s a cool ass fucking dude. Me and Wilbur started a new nation. Pogtopia. It’s cool and all but I miss L’manberg. I also miss Tubbo. I wonder what he’s up to. He’s a spy and shit which is super fucking cool. But I’m getting a feeling like it’s dangerous. I don’t know. I don’t get to see him that often, and that’s kinda upsetting. Maybe I should talk to him more. Maybe I’m a bad friend.  _

Tommy, despite his brash and harsh nature, could be rather insecure at moments. But would lash out his emotions as anger. 

_ Wilbur’s gone fucking crazy. He wants to blow up L’manberg. He’s gone all batshit. And Dream’s helping him! Which I guess is okay? I mean Dream doesn’t like Schlatt but I don’t feel right about teaming with that bitch. Techno has been fucking great! He’s fucking hilarious. I love that guy.  _

The next page was ripped in areas and looked like it was being held in place with a single string. 

_ I fucking hate that guy! I hate Technoblade and Schlatt and whoever fucking else! Fucking Big Q is such an asshole now! They fucking killed Tubbo! Fucking stupid ass pig man said he was on our side! He lied! He’s such a fucking liar! He sucks! And of course Wilbur’s all insane and shit! He thinks that it’s okay! I don’t _

Tubbo had a feeling Tommy was too angry to finish this passage, being the reason for his abrupt ending. He looked at his arm where he had the burn scars from the explosion. What Technoblade did never truly bothered him. Just Tommy. But he could tell Tommy was passionate about it, so he had no reason to tell him off for it. 

_ We’re going to war. Again. It’s kinda crazy. All this for a simple nation that Wilbur started because he didn’t fucking like Dream. It’s kinda like a storybook. Dream’s also a fucking bitch but whatever. In the first war there were only a few of us. Me, Wil, Tubbo, Fundy and the stupid bitch Eret. Now our army is huge. We got fucking Big Q, the Blade even though I still don’t like him all that much, and still Fundy. You know we give that guy a lot of shit but he’s really not that bad. But even through all that, it’s still me and fucking Tubbo. That guy’s fucking great. Wilbur says if it doesn’t go well he’s gonna blow it all up. Whatever. It’s gonna be great.  _

Tubbo re-read the line about him and Tommy a few times before flipping the next page. There was a photograph of this one. L’manberg before it was blown up. The paper had spots that looked as if they had been dried after being put in water. 

_ It’s gone. It’s fucking gone. He’s fucking gone. He just fucking left. He left me. We won and he still left! Why would he just leave? I don’t care what they say, I fucking saw Phil kill him! Fucking Phil man…. And Technoblade fucking betrayed us! I hate him! They fucking suck! I hate them! All of them! And I miss Wilbur. He hasn’t even been gone a full fucking day and I miss that prick bitch bastard! He was a fucking awful brother! Why do I even miss him? I’m probably just being dramatic. He wasn’t always bad. But he still sucked. He sucked and I miss him. Fucking Phil didn’t say a word to me. Just killed my fucking brother and then left with the other. I don’t even know where Techno’s gone. Fucking Techno. He’s a traitor.  _

There’s a line skip. 

_ At least Schlatt’s dead. We got L’manberg back. That’s cool. Tubbo’s the president now. Originally Wilbur put me as it but I know Tubbo will be better. Now I can focus on getting my discs back.  _

Another line skip.

_ I do really miss Wilbur though.  _

  
  
  


Tubbo hesitated to read the next page. He felt this might be too personal. Like Tommy wouldn’t want him to see this. 

He flipped the page anyways. 

Oh well. 

It was a picture of George’s burnt house. Tubbo let out a bitter chuckle as he flipped to the next page. 

_ I fucked up. Whatever. But I can’t believe Tubbo would even consider this. I know he says he’s not going too but he only ever tells me that in private. And I don’t fucking believe him anyways! He just wants me fucking gone because I’m, “Too much of a problem” Like oh my fucking god. Fuck him! He’s just as bad as every other stupid prick on this goddamn server. I just want my fucking friend back! The one that would stay by my side! Yeah I’m kinda a shithead at times but fuck.  _

Anger boiled up a bit in Tubbo. He knew exiling Tommy was harsh when he made the decision, but he felt it was the best one he had. Tommy did create problems. But Tubbo also knew that him exiling Tommy was a bit of a betrayal. He shouldn’t have done it. 

_ He did it. He fucking exiled me. Now I’m fucking who knows where with fucking Dream! Stupid fucking Dream! I hate that guy! Ghostbur built me a little home though. That’s cool. I’m glad because it’s raining. But still!  _

The next page was rather neat, despite his living conditions. 

_ I planned a party today. I invited everybody, and of fucking course no one showed up. It’s been fucking weeks and no one has come to visit me except for fucking Technoblade who just laughed at me! Even Ghostbur hasn’t been back! I hoped at least Tubbo would come. Me and Ranboo used to write letters, but he stopped writing. He probably doesn’t care anyways since he didn’t show up either. But me and Dream had fun. He’s kind of a dickhead at moments, but he can be fun. He let me play with his trident and that was fun! He even gave me my own! He comes everyday and we hang out. He’s really not that bad.  _

The next flip had multiple things falling out. The pages themselves were blank, but an envelope and a small folded up note fell out. Tubbo picked up the note first, he felt that you always read the card before you take the money. 

_ I don’t fucking, I don’t know man. Ranboo, it’s Dream he’s fucking, he’s not a good person. Maybe he is but he does fucked up shit! He fucking hurt me and shit! Like, I don’t fucking know. I’ve never done that shit before and I’m fucking confused! Like he was fucking touching me and shit, I don’t fucking know!  _

“Oh.” Tubbo sighed out. 

_ He fucking sucks! Like you’re not supposed to do that shit! I know I always say shit, but I’m a fucking kid! Or not a kid, but I’m not an adult either! I didn’t want to do it and it fucking hurt man! He just didn’t fucking listen! I don’t know! _

Tubbo swallowed hard as he contemplated even reading the rest. This was obviously a letter he meant to send to Ranboo. 

_ Maybe I did something? No. Doesn’t matter that’s still fucked! And I feel fucking disgusting like I just wanna burn my fucking skin off! I hate him! And I hate Tubbo for putting me here! And I hate Wilbur for starting any of this! And I hate you for fucking leaving me! Where have you been, man? Please, come back. I don’t actually hate you and shit lol. But could you maybe tell someone? I really don’t want it to happen again. I don’t even know if anyone would listen, but could you try? Please? It honestly might be fucking stupid but  _

The letter ended there. Tubbo was nervous to open the envelope but felt he had to. In the envelope there were photographs of spots on Tommy’s body. Or what he assumed was Tommy’s body. Bruises on his wrist and neck and stomach. Tubbo felt sick. He wondered why Tommy never sent the letter. 

_ I guess I write these so maybe one day people will look back on them and think about my life. It’s been fine. I’m fine. Dream kinda sucks, man doesn’t really understand the word no lmao. I guess I just stopped saying it. I don’t really mind anymore, because then he stays and spends time with me. He’s my friend. Wilbur was fucked but he’s my brother and I loved him. Dream is fucked but he’s my friend. Dream is fucking cool. He just fucks up sometimes. And you know I don’t even care you know? Like it’s cool. I kinda miss Tubbo. Not kinda. I really fucking miss Tubbo. It’s okay. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to see L’manberg again. I wonder how it’s going.  _

Tubbo’s mind was numb. He just couldn't think. 

_ You know. I’m kind of tired. I don’t know. Like I just don’t wanna do this shit anymore. I just wanna go home. At least if I was gone I’d get to see Wilbur. I won’t do it tonight though. Dream’s coming tonight and I don’t wanna disappoint him.  _

Tubbo thought about when he saw that pillar that Tommy apparently jumped off and feeling like he had been too late. Reading this wasn’t very helpful. Even if he felt Tommy didn’t want to see him he should’ve gone to check on him, he knew how fucked Dream was. Well not that fucked, but fucked. 

_ So I’m with Techno now. I know that he’s a traitor but I just didn’t want to be with Dream anymore. Like I mean that shit was fucked. I still haven’t heard from Tubbo but it’s cool. I’m doing better.  _

Tubbo smiled at this passage that seemed like improvement. 

_ So. Dream manipulated me and abused me. And I’m pretty sure he like, raped me or something. I don’t know. He just wanted me to do what he wanted. He wasn’t always bad, but he definitely sucked. I saw Tubbo today. We didn’t really talk, I’m still mad at him. But it was nice seeing him. It’s his birthday soon. He’ll officially be older than me. Technoblade has also been pretty cool. He’s kinda odd, and I don’t trust him. But he’s been pretty understanding. He never asked any questions about exile and shit. I’m still kinda tired. And it feels like everyday is this new struggle. Like Dream and Wilbur and Schlatt and everyone fucking else have just been this extreme weight on my back. A weight that I thought I got rid of, and in a way I did, but it comes back every so often and then I just wanna stop moving and let it crush me on the ground. But I never do. So that’s fucking cool. Pogchamp.  _

The amount of actual thought of emotion in that passage made Tubbo feel somewhat relieved that Tommy could actually process his feelings. 

_ So. I haven’t written in this in a while. But a lot of shit happened. I got my discs back, I’m back with Tubbo. L’manberg’s gone. For good. Technoblade fucked it but I wasn’t very nice to him either. I did kind of use him. It’s okay. Now he’s in the North with Phil and I hope they’re good. Things are going…. Good? I guess? Dream’s in prison. I might go visit him tomorrow. He’s been in there for a while. I don’t fucking like that bitch. But I feel like I need to see him. Close that chapter of my life.  _

That was the last entry in his book. So Tubbo turned to the significantly smaller book Tommy had written in while in the prison that Sam gave to him. 

_ I need to get out! He’s fucking, please! I need to get out! When Sam was here it was safe but he can hurt me here! Please! Please! I really don’t want it to happen again! Why do I have to be stuck here! Why doesn’t the world ever work in my favor! _

The words on the page looked like they were frantically scribbled. 

_ Maybe it’s because I won’t mean anything. I’m just not worth anything. I’m fucking bleeding again. Why can’t he ever just be gentle? He was fucking mad at me for yelling! It fucking hurt! It really fucking hurt. I just want to throw myself in the lava.  _

Tubbo wondered when Tommy wrote that. He’d never been inside the prison, but he knew the cell was pretty small. 

_ It’s fine. I’m just always fucking up. And I know that, but he’s always fucking up! Like he’s a horrible person! He does that shit so that I’ll keep quiet but I’m over that! He’s a fucking bastard bitch boy! I’m going to fight that ugly man!!!! _

That was the last entry. 

Tubbo wondered if he needed to tell somebody about what Dream did to Tommy. Maybe Tommy didn’t want people to know. Dream was trapped in the prison anyway, right? Tubbo knew that right now Sam was cleaning Tommy’s corpse to prepare for the funeral that Tubbo would throw in a few days. He made his way over to where Sam was doing it. It was a small, cobblestone building that had only a door, a few torches and some tinted windows. As Tubbo looked through the window and saw the bruised and bloodied boy he wondered if any of those bruises could’ve been prevented. He saw the handprint wrapped around his neck. He walked to where they had Tommy’s coffin prepared and he wrapped the journal and notes in the sheet and shut the lid. 

No one else needed to know.

  
He could rest now. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so this is supposed to be a oneshot however, if you'd like i have put some consideration in for making different parts following different people. if that's something you'd like to see i can definitely do that just let me know in the comments! :)


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